Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My favorite female superhero

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”