Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.