Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
You Might Also Like
fixed it
your honor my client chooses dare
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Best mom ever 😂
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*