Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Don’t make me out nice you.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van