Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
True statement👍😏😁
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?