Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction