Science is fun!
#nottrue
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Where’s my employee discount too?
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
me and who
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.