Science is fun!
#nottrue
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Word!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Carpe DM
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana