Science is fun!
#nottrue
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The United Steaks of America
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time