Science is fun!
#nottrue
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Life is a suicide mission.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower