Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Velcrow

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.