Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on