Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’