Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.