Science memes
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sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
