Science memes
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A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
True.
