Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.