Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

finally

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

In Canada they just call them geese

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.