Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Lube but for my dry humor.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.