Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it