Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
You Might Also Like
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance