Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
This could be us… but you playing
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Super Hand Dog Face
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it