Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.