science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
💀
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
accurate
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
I put the h in mysterious.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa