Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Got ya covered

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

True?

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.