Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

Thoughts

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant