Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

🤣

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?