Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

happy mother’s day❤️

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.