Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

hi why am I like this

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened