Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*