Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
