Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
multitasking lunch
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too