Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?