Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
(2022)
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows