Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
This made me smile…
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
🤣
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
me irl