Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs