Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there