Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
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Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I need to update my racial profile.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.