Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
is this meant to deter me
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often