Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

This was the best day of my life

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG