scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
You Might Also Like
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Cheers Twitter.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”