scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
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Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
welcome back
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*