Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.