Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

I hope it’s French Onion!

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.