Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Breaking news:
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them