Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

it must be school picture day

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?