Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas