SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
scares
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
no such thing as a dumb question
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family