SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either