Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know karate and tons of other words.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

There is no “we” in pizza

All. The. Damn. Time.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.