Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.