Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Hmmmmm

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

God has abandoned us.