Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.