scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
me and my fake scenarios
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
