scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*seductively eats two tums*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
