scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
