Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.