Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.