Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!