Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Glasses

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round