Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar
Who are we?
What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!
When do we want it?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*