[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.