@CornOnTheGoblin

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

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@themiltron

[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@dumbbeezie

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@freypalm

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

@AndyAsAdjective

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

@BadaBinge

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.