scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.


Who are we?

What do we want?

When do we want it?


genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish


Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.


me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”


Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.


ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*