Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.