Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.