Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*