scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.