scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You Might Also Like
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Oh hi lol
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
A decision was made here.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Bless you
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*