scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Owl Sanctuary
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
moms in horror movies
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me