SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
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While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that