Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday