Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

who wants to go expliring

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family