Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Just a bush.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive