Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Body by sandwich.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here