SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free