SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Born to be mild.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows