SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
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[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.