Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂