SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.