Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”