Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily