Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

taking June’s advice to heart

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs